I made a serious study of Christianity to find out why Christians find it so easy to be cruel, and sentence innocent people like The Carrs to death by lethal injection. I have concluded that part of the trouble is the crappy unrealistic storytelling in the New Testament. I suppose that the intent of the Gospels was to teach people, among other things, to be merciful, even to the lowest of the low. Nevertheless, the Gospels actually teach this: If you kill somebody, make sure they aren't well connected. The flaw in the Christ stories, is that Christ, who did not look like much in real life, was actually The Son of the Most Powerful Being in the Universe. People who read the Gospels understand that, so, when they come to the crucifixion part, they naturally think, "Oh, boy-they sure picked the wrong guy to lynch that time!" And "There are right people to lynch." Who are the right people to lynch? People not well connected...people like our mutual friends The Carrs.
Well, I have taken it upon myself to make a gift to all the bible-thumping Carr-hating Jesus freaks out there: A new Gospel. In MY Gospel, which is entitled, The Book of Carr, Jesus really was two black nobodies, without any connections, who like to go on weeklong raping sprees and committing all sorts of hilarious crimes. Sure, they are a pain in the neck to a lot of people with better connections than them, but they still got to say all the lovely and puzzling things Jesus said in the other gospels. They also smoked biblical drugs, directed and stared in live-pornography with 6 goofy white people, and listened to great tunes like "She's My Best Friend's Girl (and She Used to Be Mine)." At the end of MY gospel, the jews and other people amuse themselves one day by nailing The Carrs to crosses and planting the crosses in the ground. There could not possibly be any repercussions, the lynchers think, and the reader would have to think that, too, since the new Gospel hammered home again and again what a nobodies The Carrs were. Then, just before The Carrs "the nobodies" die, the heavens open up, there’s a bunch of thunder and lightning and crap, and the voice of God comes crashing down. He tells the people that he's adopting The Carrs as his sons, giving them the full powers and privileges of The Sons of the Creator of the Universe throughout all eternity. God said this: From this moment on, the Carrs will punish horribly anybody who torments a bum who does all sorts of hilarious things to make people happy.
So next time some Christian wants to bash you and go off about how badly The Carrs deserve to die and how horrible they are, read 'em a verse or two from The Book of Carr, and see if that wipes the patronizing smirks off their eternally damned faces.
Well there you have it. I recently sent my friend's letter describing The Book of Carr to Mel Gibson for approval, and he has Okayed it. He is even going to use its themes as the basis for his next movie, The Jimmie Johnson's Passion. I hope everyone has a good time realizing the errors in their ways this Easter, and hopefully now, those Carr haters will have fun seeing how wrong they are to want to imprison two of God's children. Correction: Two lambs of God named Jonnie and Reggie.
FREE THE CARRS!
Current Mood: reverent